goodbye home

Description YT

the actual moving day is the 20th, but I came home today to sort through my stuff. I've written a big thing down here if you want to read.

as my friends would say, this is ma big trig (we all have one thing that's messed us up a bit - we like to make light of our struggles lol)
Anyway, this is my achilles heel. Saying goodbye, letting go of the past.
I think it affects me so much because firstly, I am a nostalgic person by nature. I used to record my whole life in my first camera, before vlogging was even a thing, just so I could watch back my whole day and remember how good it was. Yes, I was THAT happy as a kid.
But now because I experience derealisation, and most of my life nowadays feels as though I'm living in a haze, saying goodbye to the time that felt this vivid and happy feels almost unbearable. I very much see my life as a before and after my brain starting crapping up, and I wonder whether I will see as vividly as I used to; it feels as though I'm getting further and further away from it.
I know it's important to look forward and feel hopeful than to look back and ache. I know that I won't give up working on my brain and I'm sure I'll feel good again, but in a different way to how I felt before. I know that this place stopped being my home a long time ago anyway, and in some ways I've already said goodbye.
But although I know these things, I'm still hurting. Which is good! I'm processing. I'm dealing, and there's no way I'd get through this without being in so much pain.

I now officially co own a cute little house with mam (remember a year ago when I said I was going through some family issues and I needed to earn more money so I was taking on more brand deals? I earned enough to sort out the fam and now mam and hedy will be all good in their new house near her school. yay!), we're finally throwing away a lot of the crap that my parents have just accumulated and kept over the decades, and everything's out in the open in our family and we're all working through our problems. Of course, everything's still crazy up in the air and we all need therapy lol. But if you told me a year or so ago that somehow, everything was going to be okay, I absolutely wouldn't have believed you. Or, I'd have shaken your shoulders and screamed "WHEN?! HOW?!"

Anyway. Love you. Happy VEDIF. Jeez no wonder I had a breakdown mid last year lol

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